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By Keith Ablow, M.D.
Rekindling Passion For The Husband You Still Love
People sometimes tell me they know a couple married 20 years whose sex life
is still as good as it ever was. Here’s what I tell them in return: “There
are only three possibilities. One: This couple is lying. Two: They are telling
the truth, because they didn’t have good sex to begin with. Or three: Sex is
all they really have together. They never connected emotionally.”
I’ve drawn that by listening to the many dozens of husbands and
wives I’ve counseled, almost all of whom have admitted that after 10 or 20
years of marriage, passion became elusive.
Sharing lives is different from sharing dinners and long walks and weekends
away. When you were dating the man you ultimately married, you were both acting
much of the time ( or not), putting your best feet forward in order
to be attractive to each other.
When you were sick or had a bad headache, you probably pretended it was no
big deal. So did he. Now when your stomach is upset, you feel free to tell him
you’re about to throw up.
When you had an argument with a close friend or your sister, you might have
told him, “It really wasn’t the best day, but it’s getting better now that
we’re together.” He might have smiled, taken your hand, and said, “Tell
me what happened. I want to know.” Now when he asks how your day was, you
might just say, “Fine,” and leave it at that. And he might be happy to
leave it at that too.
Nobody would write that kind of dialogue into a romantic movieunless it was
a sad or serious one. But that’s how married people generally talk because no
one can always act adoring or keep up an air of mystery while sharing the same
space with his or her spouse, year after year. Here are the truths about sex,
as I’ve learned from years of counseling, for most married couples:
Love is constant; passion needs recharging
No surprise: Everything in the universe eventually demagnetizes when left in
proximity to something of the opposite charge. Magnets do, and men and women do
too. Some people fall out of lust in seven days, never mind seven yearsor 17.
Basic animal is a force of nature that seems designed to make us
matenot mate for life. Relaxing in our marriages and freeing ourselves from
the pressure of trying to impress our partners has a predictable outcome: Our
partners are not impressed. The magnetic spell we once cast on them begins to
lift.
Cozy is comfortable, but not sexy
To the extent that men and women become real to each other, they cease to be
princes and princesses, gods and goddesses who inspire romantic fantasies or
amorous worship. Since couples lucky enough to be emotionally genuine with each
other share so many real moments, they need to pay special attention to
creating magical onesbecause great sex requires magic. I’d never suggest that
a couple trade their warm, safe home life for better sex. Why keep your
distance just so you can make love with abandon? I believe you can have a close
marriage and recapture a good sex lifebut only once you admit that
romance takes creativity and a commitment of time and energy.
Intimacy doesn’t equal sex
When a man and a woman reveal themselves to each other, it makes each person
feel more vulnerable. And, particularly for men, it’s hard to have amazing sex
while feeling emotionally exposed. Our earliest experiences with being close
come from our relationships with parents. And those relationships aren’t (in
any normal scenario) linked with sexual passion. That’s why some husbands and
wives are open about what pleases them sexually only when they have affairs.
They feel as if they have to be free of “family” to be free with their
amorous impulses.
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